Over the festive season I did a lot of browsing on Pinterest, Facebook and a whole array of different social networks and there was one post that popped up quite often, “Sometimes things fall apart so that God can make them fall into place”, and boy was I feeling like my entire world was falling apart the last few months. So I decided to pray, but I have this problem where when I pray it feels like it does not go any further than the ceiling. Every time I felt like now was the time to start trying to live better and be better and love more and live for God, it felt like the devil was pulling me down, not just using his pinky finger but using all the force the miserable coward could muster down from the dark depths of hell and I was feeling it and then he would win and I would give up trying so hard.
Until one day I realized that I should stop trying so incredibly hard and start just believing and forgiving. If I believe that God can make things work out perfectly, then He will, if I ask Him to let things work out the way they should then He will do it, all He needs is for me to believe, He will do the rest, I kept thinking I have to try and I have think of ways out and I have to do this and I have to have to, but all I have to do is believe and stay positive and humble. He can do anything, if it was not for Him I would not be able to get out of bed in the mornings.
So I decided to cry a little, because I think crying is God’s way of washing away the pain and it did not feel so good… I felt like I was feeling sorry for myself by crying, so I stopped crying and started keeping it all to myself, but this did not work either, and then one fine day I realized that I have one person who really cares enough to handle my crazy. One person who is allowed to see me cry, one person who will hold me as God washes away the pain and I cried and cried and cried and he stayed, and God is his number one priority so God must have put him there. All I had to do was believe.
So I prayed again, and thanked our sweet and wonderful Lord for the blessings in my life and I asked Him to take away all the horrible things in my life and forgive me my mistakes and sins and slowly but surely He is doing just that. So even though right now it feels like my life is in limbo as I wait for God to build what seems to be an impossible puzzle in my life, I don’t feel so scared anymore, because I know that somehow He will provide, I do not have to know how, I just have to believe that He will. Our God is an awesome God and anybody who has felt His love will know that He is huge and loving and that He really does want the best for you. He won’t let us suffer, we make ourselves suffer by not believing and trying to make our own plans and our own miracles and our own repairs. Don’t. God will.