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Awesome Sparkles

Leave a Little Sparkle Wherever You Go!

Bitter

Die waarheid is ñ bitter pil
Die onrein van ñ versondigde siel
Net hier in die stilste stil
Is die hart van my, erg verniel

Swart…pik giet swart
Soos ñ berg op my skouers
Is die hart van my hart
So wees…sonder ouers

Verby dit, is onmoontlik
Laag op laag van donker pyn
Om dit, is nie wesenlik
Verdagte lafaard op die lyn

Om te vergewe is die gawe van gawes
Om te vergewe is ñ geskenk
Ons los dit vir die goeie brawes
Ons is te hardkoppig en geskend

Spierwit…witter as die witste wit
Trane om dit weg te was
Bitter in vergifnis omgesit
Niks onthou…sonder ñ las

Helaas, te laat om op te maak
Die bitter spyt is altyd laat
In vervolg moet ons maar waak
Teen die diep en koue, donker haat

En tog, al maak ons alles heel
Met sagte beloftes en voornemens
Om alles uit die punte mee te deel
Is een gedagte wat ek wens

Dat geskiedenis homself nie sal herhaal
Bloot vir ons om weer te faal

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My hart, my lied

Dis 2:00 en ek kan nie slaap
Gedagtes draai om en om
Ek lê en dink aan die Kaap
Die gedagte is net plein dom

Want ek is lief vir jou en net vir jou
Die hartbreek moeilik om te hanteer
Al wat ek voel is jou arms wat my toevou
En ek is verlore…ek verloor beheer

Ek verlang my dood na die ou dae
Toe ons nog saam in die bad kon sit
Toe jy nog na my gekyk het verslae
Toe ons net ons was…net dit

Nou is niks dieselfde, alles is anders
Ek kan jou nie meer sien
Ek verdrink soos onder branders
Ons het beter as dit verdien

Vat my asseblief terug na die ou ons
Toe jy nog uit jou maag kon lag
Ek verlang my dood na die ou ons
En alles wat ons sou kon vermag

Ek mis jou glimlag en jou opgerolde broek
Ek verlang na jou wit hemp en liefdestaal
Ek wens ek kon al die tyd tussen in kroek
Ek wens ek kon die verlore tyd weer inhaal

As jy sou sê jy het my lief
En dis net ek, die enigste vrou
Sal ek die maan vir jou dief
Ek sal jou sag en lief vertrou

Dis seker te laat vir jammer
En die bitter was alles verniet
Maar spyt is ñ harde hammer
En dis dieselfde met verdriet

So hoor my hart en hoor my lied
Ek het jou inniglik en waarlik lief
Ek wens net dat ek jou meer kon bied
Ek wens heel meeste ek was minder stief

Met dit gesê en water onder die brug
Al die water wat loop deur die see
Wil ek jou net voel hier agter my rug
En hoor wat deel jou hart my mee

So hoor my hart en hoor my lied
Ek het jou inniglik en waarlik lief…

Entry…

Love

Everyday every single person on this planet fights their own battle. Everyday every single person on this planet loses or wins at least one battle…

I have journals laying around my house like a journal hoarder, but writing my attention deficit disordered thoughts down on paper and leaving them in random places in my cozy little house does not help this complete and utter feeling of hopelessness I feel sometimes, go away. It makes it stick. These days it’s called depression, but doesn’t everyone suffer from it at one point or another in their lives? Everyday is a constant battle to stay positive, it is every human being on this planets battle to stay positive and some days we lose, but those days when we succeed in staying positive are oh so sweet and so worth it. Those days when you feel the love that people talk about, tweet about, blog about…those are the days you go to bed feeling like a child on a sugar rush only to be rudely awakened by reality at some point or another.

Just when you think, “Something is FINALLY going my way!”, the devil throws a curve ball, whether it is in the form of a negative emotion or something tangible (and this is where the optimists will say, “It is exactly at that point where you have to stay positive.” ) then your glasshouse is shattered and you have start rebuilding it all over again. At some point there is no more glass left…then what?

In the past months I have heard so many people say that they are worth so much more dead and the truth is that in monetary value that probably is so true, but then what about the people who have to live without that person? Why can everybody who is honest and hard working not just be happy and have everything they need without the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer. We work to eat, we eat to work, we sleep to get up to go to work and we forget about everything else in life that is important. We are important! Not the money we make!

We say things like ‘material possessions mean nothing’ or ‘money is evil and I hate it’, and yet we cannot survive without it…or can we?

How many times have I wished I could go live in a tree house and produce my own food and live away from people and things and not have to worry about crimes, hate, hunger and all the hatred that fills this lonely world we live in. After all, we only live side by side, it no longer takes a village to raise your child because we try to keep our kids away from the other villagers and live in fear of our neighbours. We no longer raise well-rounded children with good morals and integrity because we are too busy trying to feed them. When did this become life? Why can nobody change this? Are there not enough people who care or is everybody just sitting around philosophizing about this and not spending enough time doing anything about it?

All of us can do something about everything that bothers us, but before we get around to doing anything we end up getting stuck in the rat race again making us forget for a while that we still wanted to make our difference. We have so many excuses, ‘I do not have the resources’, ‘I cannot make a change’, ‘I am too busy’, etc. We have too many excuses and not enough will power to really want to change what bothers us, until something tragic or bad happens to us.

It is easy to say prevention is better than cure but if we actually practiced what we preached we would not live in a world where you can no longer take your toddler to the mall without having to hold on to him tightly at all times just to make sure he does not get stolen. If we worked on changing this world with whatever we have (and I am not talking money here. Mother Theresa had nothing!) we would be able to take our kids to the park, or let them play outside until the street lamps go on, or go over to the neighbours house without having to worry. We would have kids who could spell! Kids with morals and integrity! I struggle to find teenagers with any of those attributes out there, what I have no difficulty in finding are girls who are dressed inappropriately, girls with nude selfies on the internet, boys with no respect, drunk teenagers whose parents do not know or care where they are and then we wonder why our teen was abducted, or raped, or killed in that car crash.

As cliché as this might sound it really is true that we need to be the change we want to see.

I realize how scattered and frantic this post must seem but if you got as far as this sentence it must mean that you know what I mean. With this said I want to challenge you and myself and my family to start doing at least one random nice thing per day instead of trying to change the world in massive ways. Have integrity, be honest no matter what the consequences and KNOW your child! Before you know it, it will have become a habit and we will have more nice people on our planet.

Open Mic Night

So I have decided to start singing again…not to become super famous or anything,just because I miss it.

My grandfather used to say that he knew I was really happy when he heard me singing and really sad when I did not sing at all that day, even if it was humming under my breath (which really annoyed my cousin).

Before he passed on my grandfather asked me what it was that I wanted to do with my life, and even though he would have preferred me to become and actuary or a lawyer he still fully supported me when I answered, “I want to sing even if it is the last thing I do!’.

Now that I am older though, I tend to keep my mouth shut and my head down for fear of being judged because I realized just what a silly dream I had when I was younger. The truth is I sing really well and I have training so why so shy?

Now with that said, I went to a local pub and restaurant which hosts open mic nights to find out how I can get my fifteen minutes on stage and I ended up walking out of there with the numbers of four different people who can give me a leg up. So the next step would be to phone them and organize…

So…I phoned and ended up getting a spot for next week! Too soon maybe? We’ll see…my songs are in, my backtracks are ready, and next Wednesday I will either wow a crowd or make them cringe…

An update will follow…

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Our God is an Awesome God!

Over the festive season I did a lot of browsing on Pinterest, Facebook and a whole array of different social networks and there was one post that popped up quite often, “Sometimes things fall apart so that God can make them fall into place”, and boy was I feeling like my entire world was falling apart the last few months. So I decided to pray, but I have this problem where when I pray it feels like it does not go any further than the ceiling. Every time I felt like now was the time to start trying to live better and be better and love more and live for God, it felt like the devil was pulling me down, not just using his pinky finger but using all the force the miserable coward could muster down from the dark depths of hell and I was feeling it and then he would win and I would give up trying so hard.

Until one day I realized that I should stop trying so incredibly hard and start just believing and forgiving. If I believe that God can make things work out perfectly, then He will, if I ask Him to let things work out the way they should then He will do it, all He needs is for me to believe, He will do the rest, I kept thinking I have to try and I have think of ways out and I have to do this and I have to have to, but all I have to do is believe and stay positive and humble. He can do anything, if it was not for Him I would not be able to get out of bed in the mornings.

So I decided to cry a little, because I think crying is God’s way of washing away the pain and it did not feel so good… I felt like I was feeling sorry for myself by crying, so I stopped crying and started keeping it all to myself, but this did not work either, and then one fine day I realized that I have one person who really cares enough to handle my crazy. One person who is allowed to see me cry, one person who will hold me as God washes away the pain and I cried and cried and cried and he stayed, and God is his number one priority so God must have put him there. All I had to do was believe.

So I prayed again, and thanked our sweet and wonderful Lord for the blessings in my life and I asked Him to take away all the horrible things in my life and forgive me my mistakes and sins and slowly but surely He is doing just that. So even though right now it feels like my life is in limbo as I wait for God to build what seems to be an impossible puzzle in my life, I don’t feel so scared anymore, because I know that somehow He will provide, I do not have to know how, I just have to believe that He will. Our God is an awesome God and anybody who has felt His love will know that He is huge and loving and that He really does want the best for you. He won’t let us suffer, we make ourselves suffer by not believing and trying to make our own plans and our own miracles and our own repairs. Don’t. God will.

Bucket List

Growing up is easy, becoming an adult is the hard part. I keep thinking back to when I was a teenager and all those times that I wished that I was an adult, and now in the last year of my twenties, I find myself wishing that I was a kid again… I think it’s safe to say that many of us feel this way.

I have a whole drawn-out list of things I wish I could do, some things for the first time, other things all over again. Like playing in the mud, when we had such evocative imaginations that all we needed was mud or stones or a tree, but then I think of how difficult it would be to clean up afterwards and how absolutely ridiculous it would look if someone saw an adult playing in the mud, which just starts a  whole new train of thought like why do we care what other adults think of us? Do kids not matter more? Do we not have enough of our own dilemmas and complications?

This question brings me to my bucket list…

My bucket list is quite lengthy and I am guessing that now would be a very good time to start working on it. So here goes! I WANT TO:

1. Swing on a swing, like a kid (complete and utter stupidity, but harder than you think because all the parks that I have visited have huge “NO ADULTS” signs on them to prevent the drunken teenagers and students from breaking the swings and/or their necks. Not that a sign can stop a drunken student, chances are it will probably encourage a drunken student.);

2. Lay on the grass all day looking up at the clouds and not having to worry about whatever it is that causes me all this adult related mental pressure (you would think this would be easy only to realize that life is so freaking busy that you would lay there for five minutes only to have to get up again for an appointment or a work or family related obligation or something, there is always something);

3. Have picnics, all day picnics with the only technology present being a camera (firstly you would have to find the time and a spot where you won’t get mugged or attacked, in this enchanting land we call South Africa, which would be virtually impossible seeing as you cannot even go to the Botanical Gardens anymore without getting mugged or attacked);

4. Roller skate again (even though I know that this is probably the worst idea ever and that I could sustain injuries to muscles and bones I never knew existed);

5. Look at things like I am seeing them for the first time ever in awe and gape at people like a child (but if I did this people would probably get offended);

6. Go and explore without having to plan, just go wherever the car takes us, with the people I love the most (not entirely impossible but it would still take a little bit of planning which is so loathsome and yet you get people who plan to make plans);

7. Go snorkeling (definitely implementing this plan (tee hee)!);

8. Move to the ocean (been there done that, so going back and living there again!);

9. Read as many books as I can in one day (when my kids are grown ups and I am half blind…yes then I can do this);

10. Go bungee jumping, sky diving or do some or other dangerous but thrilling activity (but there is nothing worse than that feeling you get when you are falling);

11. Not hear or know about the news or any other violence or hatred happening in the world for at least a week (so this means I have to get lost at sea or go to the Tsitsikamma Nature Reserve and get lost in the jungle and be on the news);

12. Finish my bucket list before I die (there are way way way too many things to experience in one life time)…

This list will continue and be added to for years to come, but what it comes down to is that I just want life to be simple again, no drama, no crazy. I am not asking for easy I just want peace and to not have to worry about frivolous things like material possessions. Life is a paradox and it frustrates not only me but my five other personalities too!

If life was simpler we would all be happier and that is it, the one and only thing people want in life but can never find because we all think pointless “things” and money will bring us happiness, it will make it easier, but just think of how happy you can be if you can have nothing and still be appreciative and then have everything and still remain humble.

So here is to having nothing, being happy and making bucket lists!

Making a difference

I wasn’t entirely sure why I wanted to start this blog, but I have, and maybe the small bursts of love, anger and life will inspire a few souls to live more and love more.

It is strange how when you try to think of what it is you want to write about how many things you can find to complain about.

When I tried thinking of something beautiful to inspire and bring joy all I could find were small moments of happiness and laughter that really is inexplicable and difficult to put into words. Like the time my son cut marshmallows in half and stuck them all over his tiny little body…he came bounding into the room shouting, “Mommy, mommy! I am Marshmallow Man!”, priceless! I laughed myself into submission…or my baby who is so completely and hopelessly in love with my boyfriend that when he sees him all he can say is, “Hey Stephan!”. He is only two…terrible two…he was throwing the worlds biggest tantrum just the other day and I was walking up and down the hallway with him trying to be consistent and not giving in to his pleas for another bottle when all of a sudden my boyfriend appears in the hallway…well, he stopped screaming just long enough to say, “Hey Stephan!” flashing the cutest smile and as soon as Stephan disappeared he started screaming again.

My son Aidan suffers from ADHD and not the kind that gets diagnosed just because he is a busy pre-schooler, the real thing. He struggles to control his emotions and even though at times I feel like I should duct tape his mouth shut to prevent inappropriateness from falling out of his mouth like a hot potato, he is the cutetest freaking kid that our sweet Lord ever made. Random hugs and kisses make up for everything and my youngest, Nathan, is undeniably and irrevocably convinced that kisses can cure anything. I call him Captain Chaos because he has this tendency to hurl himself off of things like the bed, the couch, the side of the swimming pool…downright dangerous places, but he must have a gazillion angels watching over him because nine out of ten times he gets up giggling and tries to do it again much to his mothers dismay and for his older brothers amusement and approval,but when he does get hurt he simply walks or runs to his mommy (depending on whether it’s a foot or a head or a hand, if it’s a foot he limps to mommy) holding it up and as soon as mommy kisses it, it feels all better and any remaining tears dissipate.

I think this year I shall focus on these precious little moments that make life worth the massive effort it is and with this I shall blog about little bits of nothingness. Steven R. Covey says, “Live out of your imagination, not your history”, and I think this shall be my mantra.

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